In the Other Room

In the news:  A male student “identifying as female” asked to use the ladies’ room at high school.  Reactions to this headline include INTERNET OUTRAGE! TM and potty jokes.   

Well, identifying as male, I have been in men’s rooms.  I visited a girls’, and I liked it.  Of course, I was identifying as a custodian at the time.

Men, you won’t believe the difference.  The floors are not sticky, and they don’t have boogers, clever graffiti and mystery stains on the walls.  They do have a lot of TP confetti all over the place.  What kind of celebration is going on in there?  Also, they have floral decorations and couches. 

Women, if you want to picture a men’s room, think of the last gas station rest room you were in.  The less points of contact with your body, the better.  Do your business, and get out fast. 

 Sidetrack 1:  On my first day as an elementary school custodian in a wealthy district, they showed me the girls’ mirror had scratches on it.  A girl was proving to her friends that her diamond ring was real by cutting glass. 

Sidetrack 2:  Of all the childhood nightmares that sent me to interrupt my parent’s sleep, I remember two.  One was an unseen presence lurking outside a cabin.  The other was being in the wrong restroom.  It’s a primal fear, apparently. 

I have been in a men’s room with a woman.  Outside of Amurica, you may run into a rest room attendant.  This employee may be male or female, and expects a tip.  It really didn’t bother me to have a motherly type in the bathroom.  Maybe that’s because our diapers were changed more by mom than dad. 

And what’s up with those long lines at stadium women’s rooms?  Sometimes the females urgently take over a men’s room.  If ya gotta go, ya gotta go.   

With all the flowers and couches in the ladies’ room, they must be taking their time, hanging out, gossiping, relaxing…who knows.  Men know, anyone who hangs out in the men’s room is up to no good, smoking something, bullying or some other shenanigans.  Guys learn early on to go, and get out ASAP, and don’t touch anything if possible.  Some guys use their shoe on the flush handle. 

Sidetrack 3:  Do you think those homeowners who ask guests to take off their shoes are thinking that men’s soles have contacted a men’s room floor?  That would explain it, since men have bad aim.  They are always walking someone’s mess. 

I have met women and even men who will not use a public restroom.  That’s taking it too far, I think.  Sure it can be gross, but no one ever caught a real disease off the toilet seat.   Plus, waiting for eight hours would be painful.  Talk about a disability!  “Not-my-toilet-phobia" would be crippling.  The cure for this is to go on vacation.  Roadside outhouses and campsite Porta-pots will give you something to cry about. 

One cause for this phobia is, “What if they hear me?”  Please!  As if no one else farts.  As a human, I proudly admit, I am full of it and every day I let some out.   

Sidetrack 4:  Traveling to another country is eye-opening.  Meeting wonderful people and experiencing their customs really expands your world.  And then you come back and tell your friends poop stories.  Really.  If you want to start a conversation at a party, just mention the squatty-potties in Asia.  Everyone has a story to tell.  Mostly they are funny and horrifying at the same time. 

Sidetrack 5:  Do you ever use the paper toilet seat cover?  I could never figure out how to make it work, what with the dotted line insert and all.  It ends up ripping, and even if it soaks up the moisture on the seat, you’re still sitting on it.  It’s not like it’s a bio-hazard or anything. 

Back to the issue:  Should an Identifying boy be admitted into the inner sanctum, the heavenly Eden where women go to escape the world of men?  He might be a spy.  He could reveal the secrets of the sisterhood.  He probably doesn’t have any good gossip to add anyways. 

So, here we are.  We’ve explored the gender differences in restroom accoutrements and toilet culture.  Let’s admit it.  None of this is what caused the INTERNET OUTRAGE! TM over the student asking to use the other restroom.  It’s sex. 

What does sex have to do with restrooms?  Hey, even a U.S. Senator tapped out a code for this sort of thing. Ever heard of the mile-high-club?

When a high-school teenager asks to share the restroom, we all think back to those days.  We know what the adolescent I was feeling back then.  It’s hard to put yourself if any other shoes, but it’s easy to imagine young, dumb, kids peeking where they should not go.  So there’s the INTERNET OUTRAGE! TM 

There are two kinds of people in this world.*  Some say they are equal, and some think not.  Equality of the sexes would be like a lion meeting a lioness.  Sometimes it seems more like the lion meeting the gazelle.  You wouldn’t let a predator into the ladies’ room, would you?  But maybe it’s a gazelle meeting a gazelle. 

It’s hard to put yourself in another’s shoes.  Shoes that have walked in the world.  Shoes that have been in many rooms.  Shoes that are looking for relief. 

* “There are two kinds of people in this world.  Those who think there are two kinds of people, and those who don’t.”  Anonymous

Where I Am

The paper ran a story about audience members who messed things up in our area.  Pretty funny.  

One guy tried to plug his charger into the electric outlet on the set (not connected!)

[Note:  Yes, I admit the quotation marks are out of control.]

 

http://www.dispatch.com/content/stories/life_and_entertainment/2015/08/30/1-spectator-spectacles.html

Live shows include dealing with rude, out-of-control audience members

 By Michael Grossberg & Kevin Joy The Columbus Dispatch  •  Sunday August 30, 2015 7:20 AM

"From throwing tomatoes at vaudeville acts to snoring during performances of Beethoven’s Fifth, audience members throughout cultural history have occasionally behaved badly.

"Sometimes, performers refuse to put up with such antics.

….

"O-H-I-no!

"Actor Erik Sternberger enjoys stand-up comedians but tires of their pandering to a certain local obsession.

“Three times I’ve gone to see touring comedians here in town when the headliner mentions something like ‘You guys love your football here,’ and the audience erupted into a five-minute-long O-H-I-O chant,” Sternberger said.

"One such chant, however, didn’t sit well with Daniel Tosh, whose stand-up act Sternberger caught in 2009 in the Riffe Center’s Capitol Theatre.

"Tosh attempted to “silence” the chanting audience but failed — and then lashed out.

"As Sternberger recalled it, “He told the crowd: ‘You realize this is why everyone hates you, right? When you play the victim card and can’t understand why people hate you, this is why. This is why some performers won’t come here.’  ”"

That's my town.

I'm a Northsider.
I'm a Calvarian. 

I'm a Buckeye.

Where we know we are the Chosen One.  Where we know the universe in on our side.   Where we are destined to win. 

Where a loss makes no sense.  Where it's an outsider conspiracy if we don't prevail.  

I'm an American.
I'm a human.